Reasons Why Not To Have a Baby
by Kuro-Hollow-Neko
Summary: NO ROMANCE! Ichigo has to take care of a baby while his sister goes shopping. A lot of people get involed with this baby, but it's actually like a demon... The Espada, including Aizen, Gin and Tousen get involved as well.
1. They Eat Your Hair

Hello! This Fanfic will potentially be a drabble fanfic, and it may have a lot of chapters. It will try to make sense for those who just read the manga and those who just watch the anime for subtitled and dubbed. Let me know if it doesn't make sense, and/or something's not funny. Inspired by Miku Ali's "A Pizza Looking DraBBle Series", and Useful Oxymoron's "Life Sucks!". Read them! Just to remind people, this is not a romance fic, and there will probably be homosexual jokes... It's just Ichigo would probably wouldn't approve of being called gay. Chisaki means thousand cherry blossoms in Japanese. Please let me know if I'm wrong.

I do not own Bleach.

"Onii-chan!" Yuzu shouted while running up the stairs.

Ichigo looked over the top of the manga he was reading. "What is it, Yuzu?"

She ran into his room, holding a baby in her hands.

"Why are you holding a baby?" Ichigo asked.

"I volunteered to babysit her, but I realized afterwards that I've got to go shopping!" She explained.

"Then why don't you just don't go shopping?" Ichigo pointed out.

"But then I won't be able to get the things I need to make dinner!"

"Then why don't you take it with you?"

"Because I'm also shopping for clothes and stuff!"

"Why don't you ask dad, or Karin?"

"Karin's at a soccer game and dad's at a meeting!"

Ichigo sighed. "Fine, I'll take care of her."

Yuzu handed him the baby. "She's called Chisaki. There are some diapers and some milk downstairs. Just heat up the milk for 1 minute. Okay, bye!"

She then ran out of Ichigo's room, and Ichigo ran after her, asking, "When do I give it to her?"

Yuzu then slammed the door. Ichigo sighed again. He hoped, no prayed that a hollow didn't come during the time he had to take care of this monster. The baby giggled. He looked down in his arms, and noticed that the baby was pointing at his hair.

He scowled. "Even babies make fun of my hair."

She tried reaching out to grab it. Ichigo bent down for her to touch it, and she grabbed it.

"OWW!" he shouted angrily, and got her back down. "What was that for?"

She had a fistful of his orange hair, and giggled again. He glared at Chisaki, and she popped it in her mouth.

"Hey, hey, take that out of your mouth!" Ichigo shouted.

She just giggled at him. Ichigo sighed. He wished that Yuzu would be back soon.

Review!


	2. They Vomit All Over the Place

Review!

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><p>Ichigo glared at the baby, and Chisaki happily chewed on his hair. Ichigo thought about pulling the hair out, and then decided against it. He didn't particularly want to get baby slobber all over his hands.<p>

"Hey, Ichigo," Rukia said behind him. "What was that all about?"

Ichigo turned around, and a look of bewilderment came upon the female shinigami as she laid eyes on Chisaki.

"Whose baby is that?" she asked.

"Well… I don't know," Ichigo said.

"Then why do you have it?"

"Yuzu told me to take care of her while she goes shopping,"

"I'll help you to take care of her." She then got out a gikongan, swallowed it, and while in shinigami form, pointed the sword at Chisaki.

"W-what are you doing?" Ichigo exclaimed.

"In some book I read, these so called "babies" in the human world are evil, vile creatures who cause torture to those who have to look after them. They can also become monsters and eat other humans."

Ichigo sweat dropped. "Don't trust all the stuff that a book tells you… What was that book anyway?"

Rukia held up another of her horror mangas, and declared, "This!"

"I wouldn't trust that…"

Chisaki was still munching on Ichigo's hair while the two bickered about wherever or not she was a monster, and that you should or shouldn't trust horror mangas. Her face screwed up and then she suddenly vomited all over Rukia.

"Vile fiend!" She shouted. "It's got acid all over me!"

Chisaki giggled while Ichigo ran all over the place with her in his arms, trying to shield the baby from Rukia, who was running after the two, waving her sword about.


	3. They Wail

Okay, just a bit of info why I'm doing this fanfic. To break away a bit from The Destruction's of Zangetsu's Poles, my other fanfic, to have a fanfic that's easy and good to maintain, and I have a personal hated of babies. And I wasn't a baby, I was a kitten when I was younger, so ha! … Anyway, I do take suggestions, so please suggest stuff! And always, review!

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><p>Ichigo eventually managed to convince Rukia that Chisaki wasn't a monster, and that her horror manga was wrong (which Rukia still thought it was right). Rukia went off to have a shower, in order to clean off the vomit from herself, and her robes. Ichigo however, not knowing what to do now, went off to watch the TV. He flicked through a few channels, and then flicked to one that he saw actually had something decent on it. But for now, the channel was through some ads. It then showed an ad for a children's anime. The ad was full of unicorns, rainbows, flowers, and all the other stuff that a typical female child would like. But despite this, having an angry teen glare at her, a sword pointed at her, and being chased around by a rabid shinigami, Chisaki started to cry.<p>

"Huh?" Ichigo said.

Chisaki was really starting to wail now.

"Hey, hey, stop that!" Ichigo shouted. He then grabbed the remote, and turned off the TV. "See, it's stopped now,"

The baby's wail had increased to an ear-splitting one.

"Shut up," Ichigo growled.

Chisaki stopped for a second, and looked at Ichigo with big red eyes. And then when Ichigo didn't think she couldn't get any louder, she did.

Ichigo picked up the baby from her spot on the couch, and tried to calm her down. He was failing, because she was obviously still crying. Then Rukia came running across, dripping wet, and was wrapped in a towel. She scooped up the baby from Ichigo's arms, and managed to calm her down. When Rukia had first come into the room, Ichigo started to blush.

Rukia noticed this, looked at Ichigo, who was staring at her, and still blushing, and said, "You fool; at least I'm not naked."

Ichigo then blushed harder, and then crossed his arms and faced the other direction, and gruffly said, "I wasn't thinking about that."

"Who said you were?" Rukia pointed out.

"Why you little…" Ichigo snarled.

The baby then pointed at the strawberry, and said, "Fool!"

"Yes, he is a foolish strawberry," Rukia said.

Ichigo really wondered whose baby this was.


	4. You Have To Change Their Nappies

Rukia went back to her shower, and Ichigo thought that it would be safer to read his manga upstairs, than to face another wailing Chisaki. He went upstairs, with the baby, set her on his bed, and started reading his manga again. Then, after a few pages in his manga, something started to smell awful. Ichigo wrinkled up his nose, and looked around, searching for the source of it. Then he looked at Chisaki. Her eyes were all red and puffy, and she was on the brink of crying.

Ichigo sighed, and scooped her up. He went back downstairs, and found her nappies. The substitute shinigami put her down on a nearby table, and started to read the instructions on the back of the packet. He was confused, but thought he should try anyway.

Ichigo got off Chisaki's nappy, and quickly covered his nose. "It stinks!" he shouted. He then rushed over to the bin, and shoved the contaminated thing in there. Ichigo then got out one of those air fresher cans, and sprayed it all over the bin.

He then glared at the baby, who was now giggling again. Ichigo sighed. Sure, big massive monsters were no problem for him, but little babies are more troublesome.

When he went back to put on another nappy, she had peed all over the table. Ichigo's eyebrows started twitching in frustration. Then he cleaned up her mess, put on her nappy, and stomped back upstairs with Chisaki.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	5. They Crawl Off

Ichigo read more of his manga upstairs, and didn't realize until he finished it, that Chisaki was missing.

"Damn it," he cursed, and started the long search for the runaway baby.

He looked around his room, in his wardrobe, and scowled the Chappy drawings up around where Rukia slept. He then went downstairs, and looked in the kitchen, and then he opened the door of the bathroom. Rukia was standing there, and she just got out of the shower, and was, of course, naked. There was an awkward silence between the two.

Then it suddenly clicked, and Rukia shouted, "Pervert!" and started to throw various objects at him.

Ichigo then started to dash away, and his face was bright red. Rukia then slammed the door shut.

Rukia sighed, and behind her, the baby shouted, "Fool!"

Rukia smiled a little.

Afterwards, Rukia was quite annoyed at Ichigo.

"Ichigo," she said. "Could you NOT go into the bathroom while I'm still in there!"

Ichigo started to blush again. "I didn't know that you were in there! Plus, I was looking for Chisaki, because she was with me before, but she crawled off!"

"Doesn't mean you have to go in the bathroom while someone is in there!" Rukia's voice rose.

"I told you before; I didn't know that you were still in there!" Ichigo shouted back.

"But you surely should've realised that I wasn't anywhere!"

"Well…" Ichigo trailed off.

"Fool!" Chisaki said, while being cradled in Rukia's arms.

"She agrees with me!" Rukia said.

"But she's only just a baby!" Ichigo said.

"But babies know everything," Rukia pointed out.

"How can they know everything? She can only say "fool"!" Ichigo said.

"Pervert!" Chisaki said.

"My point is proven," Rukia said.

Ichigo just walked off, unwilling to admit defeat.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	6. They Break Stuff

After the little argument with Ichigo, Rukia went upstairs, in order to read more of her horror mangas. She put down Chisaki, and the baby started crawling away again. She crawled downstairs, and accidently bumped into a shelf that was next to the wall. The shelf had a vase on top, and when Chisaki bumped into the shelf, the vase fell off, and landed on the floor with a "SMASH!".

Ichigo was watching TV, because he knew Rukia had taken the baby upstairs with her, so he was free from the threat of her crying. Then he heard the smash.

"… What was that?" Ichigo wondered out loud.

Ichigo then got up, and ran towards where he thought the source of the sound was. Then he saw Chisaki, and the broken vase on the floor. She noticed him, and looked up. The strawberry was glaring daggers at her, while his eyebrows were twitching with anger again. She just giggled and crawled off. Ichigo sighed, and swept up the remains of the vase. Afterwards, Ichigo sat and watched TV again, but with Chisaki on his lap. He didn't want her to crawl around again, and cause more mischief. He hoped that the anime ad didn't come on again… But it did, and she started to wail again.

"Rukia!" Ichigo shouted.

She came running down, and said, "You fool, stop watching TV if she's going to cry."

"It's not my fault she's scared of unicorns," he growled, and turned off the TV.

"Who wouldn't be scared of them?" Rukia pointed out. "I mean, they have big horns sticking of their heads, and those ones have massive eyes."

"All animes pretty much have people with massive eyes, look at yours!"

"At least mine aren't droopy,"

Chisaki stopped crying and said, "Fool!"

Ichigo sighed, and said, "… I hope Yuzu comes back soon…" Ichigo groaned.

In fact, she had just arrived at the store.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	7. They Eat Your Homework

Thanks for the suggestion, HyperStar! Here it is!

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><p>Ichigo sighed, went upstairs, and started his homework. Geometry. It is complete torture. Providing reasons for why you worked it out, so you couldn't say, "Because I say so", having to cram lots of rules in your head, and it still didn't make sense.<p>

"Ichigo!" Rukia shouted from below.

He got up, and shouted, "I'm coming!"

"What?" the strawberry asked when he came downstairs.

"How can you wash clothes here?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo just scowled at her. "You still don't know how to wash clothes?"

Rukia huffed. "I've only been here for about two months."

Ichigo sighed. "What do you need washing?"

"Those robes that Chisaki vomited on,"

"… I've never really washed a kimoto before, but it's probably the same as everything."

"But you're Japanese!" Rukia complained. "How can you not have washed one before?"

"… It's because nobody wears them anymore…"

"I recon a few people do,"

"But we don't."

"What about your shinigami robes!"

"But, I've never gotten vomit on them before,"

Ichigo then got the shinigami robes from the eyebrow-twitching Rukia, and shoved them in the washing machine. He put the power in, closed the lid, and pushed the buttons to activate the machine. While he was doing all of this, Rukia was watching him with sparkling eyes. Ichigo noticed this, and sighed.

"The wonders of the human world," Rukia remarked.

"Shut up," Ichigo said, and walked back upstairs.

When he got to his room, he looked at his desk, where he had left his homework last. Now in its place was the baby, with a piece of paper sticking out of her mouth. She then giggled at him again, and crawled off.

Ichigo sighed. "Now I can't say, "My dog ate my homework", even though I don't have one. Now it's "a baby ate my homework".

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><p>I know Rukia normally wins the arguing contests, but Ichigo did have the upper hand. Anyway… Review!<p> 


	8. Suicide Part I: By Poisoning Themselves

Ichigo went back downstairs, seeing that he couldn't do his homework any more.

"Rukia!" he yelled. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure," she said.

"I've borrowed this western movie from Tatsuki, called "Shaun of the Dead" (It's a good movie! Watch it!). But I don't think it'll be suitable with a baby in the room, because it's got MA (I have no idea what the ranking is in Japan, and I can't be bothered to look it up) on the cover."

"What's "western" and "MA"?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Western movies are movies that were made in "western" countries, like America, Australia, and England. MA is a part of a rating system. Meaning if this movie is MA, it's got content that isn't suitable for children, especially babies."

"But she wouldn't remember this stuff when she's older so it doesn't matter. You're not scared of it, are you?"

Ichigo scowled at her. "I have been killing big monsters, and dealing with shinigami, arrancar, and other weird things for a while..." He then put the DVD in the player, and turned back on the TV. The unicorn ad was back on. Chisaki, had just crawled into the room started to cry again, and Rukia dashed over to calm her down again.

"We should sue those people who made that ad, because it's so scary, it makes babies cry," Ichigo said.

"What does "sue" mean?" Rukia asked.

"... Don't worry."

Ichigo changed it to the DVD channel, and started to play. He then switched off the lights, and closed the curtains. The two started to watch the movie, and didn't realize that Chisaki had yet again crawled off.

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><p>Throughout the movie, Rukia was constantly asking questions, and Ichigo was trying his best to answer all of them. Ichigo got up, to get some snacks, and found Chisaki. She was next to another vase with some flowers in it. The baby then grabbed hold of a bunch of flowers, and was about to put it in her mouth, until Ichigo shouted, "Noooooo!" and epicly dived across the room. He managed to stop her in time.<p>

The substitute then returned with the snacks in one hand, and Chisaki in the other.

"Make sure she doesn't crawl off again," Ichigo told Rukia, as he handed her the baby.

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><p>I know epicly doesn't exist, but I don't care. Review!<p> 


	9. Suicide Part II: By Electrocution

Two, well three things I have to say about this chapter. The more the merrier, right? So there's going to be more people added to this fanfic. HyperStar, yet again I'm going to use a suggestion of yours. And it would be recommended if people watched Shaun of the Dead (even though it's MA) to understand a few things about this, and also because it's so awesome. It's got comedy too, so don't worry that it's not going to be just full on violence and gore, but it did get a little scary for me, and it was a bit gory, but there's been worse. ... It looks like this chapter is going to be longer than usual. (Wait that was four things...) Anyway, onto the chapter!

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><p>Ichigo and Rukia got up to the part of the movie where Shaun and the fat dude beat the c*** out of the two zombies with the cricket bat and shovel (?).<p>

"... Do all English people beat up people with cricket bats, and shovels?" Rukia asked.

"... I don't think so," Ichigo said.

Then there was a smash. Ichigo looked at Rukia's lap to see if Chisaki wasn't breaking yet another vase. But surprisingly, the baby was still there, and watching the TV.

"Yuzu?" Ichigo asked.

There was no answer.

"Is it a burglar?" Rukia asked.

"Dunno," Ichigo answered. "Who's there?"

Silence...

Then Renji jumped out from behind the shadows, and yelled, "BOOOOOOOO!"

The Rukia and Ichigo looked unimpressed, giving him blank looks.

"Oh, it's just Renji," Rukia said.

"Hey, don't say it's just Renji!" the red pineapple complained.

"Hey, why are you here?" Ichigo asked.

"I came here because I had some free time," Renji explained.

"Don't just come here when you want to," Ichigo muttered.

"What was that?" Renji asked, becoming frustrated.

"I said, "Don't just come here when you want to"!" Ichigo's voice rose.

Then before you knew it, the two were butting their heads together, and arguing.

Rukia sighed, and Chisaki started clapping her hands to together.

Renji stopped fighting, and said, "Hey, is that a baby?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Ichigo asked.

"What are you guys doing with a baby?" He asked.

Ichigo sighed. "It's a long story."

Chisaki started clapping again, and reached for Renji.

Rukia held out the baby, and said, "I think she wants you to hold her,"

Renji then took the baby from Rukia. She then stretched out her hands towards his hair, and Renji lifted her up towards his head. She, of course, pulled out some of Renji's hair.

"OWWW!" he shouted. "What was that for?"

He then put her down lower, and his eyes widened when he saw the big chunk of his red hair. Then she put it in her mouth. Both Rukia and Ichigo were sweat dropping.

Then Ichigo remembered something. "What did you break before?"

"Huh?" Renji asked.

"We heard a smash before," Ichigo said. "What did you break?"

Renji held up one of his hands. "I didn't break anything!"

"Then who did?" Rukia asked.

There was an eerie silence, apart from the movie still playing.

"Rukia, press pause on the remote," Ichigo said.

She picked it up, and held it up close to her eyes. "I don't know where that button is."

"... Give the remote to me then," Ichigo said. He received it, and paused the movie.

The trio could hear footsteps. It was still dark from when Ichigo had closed the curtains before.

"Who's there?" Ichigo shouted into the darkness.

Then there was a glimmer, and two figures emerged. It was Ikkaku, and Yumichika. The glimmer was from Ikkaku's shinny head, reflecting the light from the TV.

"Hey, what's up, you two?" Renji asked.

"Nothing much," Ikkaku answered.

"... Why are you guys here?" Ichigo asked.

"We were just simply bored, and decided to drop by," Yumichika explained.

"... Don't just drop in when you feel like it..." Ichigo muttered.

"Oh, look at that!" Yumichika exclaimed. "It's such a pretty baby!" He then grabbed Chisaki from Reniji. "You're such a cutie!" Then her face screwed up, and she vomited all over him. He didn't think she was pretty anymore.

Ichigo sighed. "The shower's on the left of the bottom if the stairs."

"... Thanks," he then gave the baby to Rukia, who had dashed over, and walked off, past a laughing Ikkaku.

All of the rest then sat down, and started to watch the movie, and Ichigo ended up explaining everything that happened before, and what was happening now. Chisaki then crawled over behind Ikkaku, and started to suck on his head. He was too caught up in the movie, and asking questions to realize. When a stand of drool entered his vision, that's when he noticed.

"Wha-what's THAT!" He started to yell.

He reached up to his head, and his hand felt his shiny bald head, now swamped with saliva. The shinigami then brought his hand back down, and you could see that his entire hand was covered with the baby's drool. Then he started to freak out. He then quickly reached back, to the back of head, and picked up Chisaki, and brought her in front. She giggled at him, and his eyebrows started twitching. Rukia quickly took the baby from Ikkaku's hands, in order for him to not do any harm to her. Ikkaku quickly ran off, shouting and yelling. He then put his head under the nearest sink, and started to wash away all the drool.

Chisaki then crawled off again from Rukia's lap again. Ikkaku then stomped back into the room, his head free of saliva, and sat back down.

"Did you free your bald candy head from the saliva?" Renji taunted.

"I'M NOT BALD!" Ikkaku shouted, and then started to fight with Renji.

"Where actually is the baby?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo glared at her. "You were holding her before."

"She must have crawled off," Rukia suggested.

Ichigo sighed. "Then we'll have to look for her."

Renji and Ikkaku managed to break up their fighting and helped to search for Chisaki. Renji was the one who found her.

"Hey, Ichigo!" He shouted. "I've found her!"

Ichigo and others ran into the room, and Renji wondered out loud, "What's that cord thing she's crewing on?"

"What cord thing?" Ichigo asked, while running. Then he saw was Chisaki was doing. She was crewing on one of the cords of the TV, Ichigo freaked out, and grabbed her as quickly as possible.

"What is it?" Renji asked.

"If she had chewed though that, she would have been killed," Ichigo explained.

Renji was silent, and Rukia took the baby from Ichigo.

"… You'll better NOT let her crawl away again," Ichigo said.

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><p>… I'm starting to think that the people who came in this chapter are out of character, but that'll probably be because this is the first time I've started writing with them. Random thing; in Word, I right-clicked on Ikkaku's name to add it into the dictionary, and one of the things that came up from the word check thing, was "Pikachu". … Anyway, review!<p> 


	10. You Have To Feed Them

Okay, the comments bit here is a bit ranty, so people can skip this if they want, just know that there won't be a chapter a day all the time.

Right, excuses. Right now, I have four assignments, and two tests hanging over my head. The other day, I got two assignments on the same day, and two are due this week. I've just got a sore throat, yes, hollows and cats get sick! And so stress, sickness, lack of sleep, because I try to stay up to write these fanfics, and... other stuff make a really bad mix. I pretty much wasted a day yesterday, because I just wanted a break, but I've still got the stuff looming. So I'll have to ditch my "a chapter a day, keeps Aizen away" sometimes, as much as I hate him. End excuses.

Right! Onwards!

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><p>"Hey, do you have a cage?" Renji asked.<p>

"No, we're not putting a baby in the cage," Ichigo said, knowing what Renji was asking about.

"Why not?" Renji asked.

"Because it's a baby, and it's against basic human rights," Ichigo pointed out.

Chisaki then started to cry in Rukia's arms.

"What is it's now?" Ichigo asked.

"I think she's hungry," Rukia said.

Ichigo sighed. Knowing that Rukia wouldn't be able to work the microwave, he said he would feed the baby.

The strawberry then walked to the kitchen, with the still wailing baby in his arms. He then got the bottle that was on the side, put it in the microwave, and started it. The substitute then looked down at Chisaki, and tears where streaming down her face, and her eyes were all red, and puffy. Then she started wailing again. Ichigo just sighed for the hundredth time today. Whoever owned this baby would probably be inches from murdering her. Then the microwave pinged at him. Ichigo got out the bottle, and tried to shove it in Chisaki's mouth. She just pushed it away, and still cried. He attemped it again, and got the same result.

"Why won't you just..." Ichigo muttered, getting even annoyed at the baby.

She still pushed the bottle away.

"God damn it, you stupid baby, it's what you want, isn't it?" Ichigo snarled, making the baby cry even louder.

"Hey, Ichigo!" Ikkaku shouted in the other room. "Get that thing to shut up!"

"I'm trying!" Ichigo shouted back.

Then Yumichika walked into the kitchen, with only a towel covering his private parts. He was still dripping. Ichigo half thought of shouting deja-vu, but it technically wasn't it.

"Do you have any fashionable clothes I could wear?" Yumichika asked.

"I have clothes," Ichigo said.

Yumichika sighed. "Do you have any clothes that are beautiful?"

Ichigo scratched the back of his head. "I don't think I've got clothes that are "beautiful"."

"I'm not wearing clothes that are ugly," the shinigami huffed.

"Well at least you get to wear clothes, instead of that towel, which you're not keeping," Ichigo pointed out.

"... Fine then," Yumichika sighed.

The two shinigamis then walked up stairs, Ichigo showed Yumichika where all his clothes were, and left him to it.

When Ichigo was walking back downstairs, he dropped the bottle, and Chisaki stared wailing again. The carrot top sighed again, and picked up the bottle. He tried to shove it back in, but she rejected it again. After Ichigo getting even more frustrated again, and many tries, the bottle was back in Chisaki's mouth. She had, of course stopped crying. Ichigo just walked off, and sat back down to watch the movie.

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><p>Review! Otherwise, I'll set Aizen on you, and make you get sick like me!<p> 


	11. Suicide Part III: By Cutting Themselves

Rukia was charged with the burden of taking care of Chisaki, because it seemed that the baby assaulted the others the most, and they ignored the fact that Rukia was the one to get vomited on first. Rukia was actually taking a liking to the baby, and tried to teach her more words, like "Chappy", until she was told to shut up by the males trying to watch the movie.

"She doesn't even need to know how to say that stupid bunny's name anyway," Ichigo pointed out.

This however earned him a punch to the face.

"Shhh," Renji hushed, while *spoilers* Shaun's mum screeched, because she was now a zombie, and then got shot in the head on the screen.

"We just missed a good bit!" Ikkaku shouted, liking the movie because of its violence, and gory bits.

"…Sorry," Rukia apologized.

They started to watch the movie some more, and then it got to the hectic bit of the movie, where it was all dark, and all of the zombies were attacking them, and all of them, even Rukia had their eyes glued to the screen. Chisaki took this chance to crawl off yet again.

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><p>The movie finished, and all of them stretched and groaned. Then Rukia realised.<p>

"Where's Chisaki?" she asked.

Ichigo groaned. "Not again…"

All of them, minus Yumichika, who was still in Ichigo's room, trying to choose an outfit, looked for her again.

Ichigo was the one to find her, in the kitchen, on the bench. She was holding a large kitchen knife, almost simular to the substitute's, it had just shrunk… by a lot of course. The baby ran its fingers along the edge of the blade.

"Give me the knife, Chisaki," Ichigo coaxed to her.

The baby just looked at him and giggled.

"Give me the knife," Ichigo took a step further.

She then held the knife to her chest, and Ichigo get again leaped at her epically (it exists! I just got the spelling wrong before), caught the baby, who had let go of the knife, smashed into the wall in front of him, and through it to end up outside. Chisaki was clapping merrily, and giggling while Ichigo lifted himself up, groaning. He glared at the baby again, and walked back inside, through the front door, while dusting himself off wall powder.

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><p>Review!<p> 


	12. They Defy Gravity

Biiiiiiiiiiigggggggg massive thanks to Felixfeles! She came up with this idea, and she's awesome. I laughed so hard when I heard her idea. Bunny153539, Yumichika's outfit is in here. Enjoy the randomness!

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><p>"I found her!" Ichigo declared when he went into the living room, which now had the curtains pulled back.<p>

Surprisingly, the rest of the shinigami were in the room as well, including Yumichika, and a few visitors, comprising of Byakuya, and Yachiru. Yumichika was sulking, because all of Ichigo's clothes were "ugly". And so, Yumichika was sporting a pair of Ichigo's classic skinny long pants, and a red 15 t-shirt (as seen in the movie Fade to Black). For some reason, Ichigo's clothes were actually too big for the fourth seat. Byakuya wasn't in his gigai, but Yachiru was. She was wearing a cute little light green and yellow dress, with black leggings and a light pink top underneath, and leather black shoes.

"... I look so ugly..." Yumichika moaned.

"Byakuya?" Ichigo asked, ignoring him. "Why are you two here?"

"I'm here to company Byakushi!" Yachiru explained gleefully. "And Ken-chan has gone off on some mission thing without me, so I'm bored! Do you have any snacks, Ichi?"

"No, I don't,"the strawberry replied huffily. "But why are you here, Byakuya?"

Byakuya sighed because Ichigo was yet again calling him just by his first name. "I'm here to take Renji back,"

"But he just got here a few hours ago," Ichigo pointed out.

"And he has to go back now," Byakyua said.

"Oh, okay, bye then, Renji," Ichigo said.

"Bye, pineapple!" Yachiru shouted.

"Stop calling me that!" Renji snapped.

Yachiru just stuck her tongue out at him.

And so, Byakuya and Renji left the Kurosaki house, and went to Urahara's shop, to leave Renji's gigai there, because Ichigo wasn't going to take care of it.

Ichigo sighed when the two left. Having Yachiru as well to take care off would definitely give him an even bigger headache than the one that was currently there. Then he realized that he was no longer holding Chisaki.

"Where's the baby?" Ichigo groaned.

All of them looked around the room and sighed. Yumichika ran off to hide himself somewhere, muttering that he "looked so hideous, that doesn't deserve to show my face".

Rukia then pointed up. "Ichigo," she said.

Ichigo's gaze followed where she pointed, and he shouted, "HOW DID SHE GET UP THERE!"

Chisaki giggled again. Deifying all laws of physics, and gravity, she was on the fan hanging from the ceiling.

Yachiru had been zoning out for a moment, and wasn't aware of the scene above her. "I'm going to turn on the twirly thing!" she declared.

"NO, DON'T!" came the frantic cries of others.

It was too late. The fan had already been turned on. Round, and round, and round the baby span. Then, she vomited. The vomit flew everywhere around the room. Yachiru had ducked out before, so see if Ichigo really didn't have any snacks, and was saved from the vomit-rain. Rukia dashed over to the controls, and shouted, "How do I turn this thing off?"

She then managed to get the fan off, and Ichigo just fainted after just looking at the room.

"Right," Ikkaku shouted, while walking off. "Yumichika! We're getting out of here!"

Yumichika was too happy to leave.

* * *

><p>Then Orhime, Chad and Uryu came in. They just looked at Yachiru raiding the cupboard and sweat-dropped, and saw Rukia fanning a passed out Ichigo with big red hand prints on his face (from when Rukia slapped him to wake him up) in her lap, and vomit all over the room, and on both of them.<p>

Orhime instantly rushed over, and started to shake him, while shouting, "Kurosaki-kun! Kurosaki-kun, Kurosaki-kun, Kurosaki-kun!"

"... We came in at the wrong time." Uryu said.

"Mmm," Chad replied.

Then the Quincy spotted Chisaki, still on the fan.

"... Is that a baby?" he asked.

She looked at him, and giggled.

"It looks like a baby," Chad said.

"How did a baby get up there?" Uryu shouted.

"... I don't know," he said.

* * *

><p>... Yes, I kicked out a few people, but replaced them with others. I don't know if they'll appear again, but they'll maybe magically pop up again.<p> 


	13. They Make Fans Fall Down

A Fanfic I'd like to suggest to all of you. Bleach Summer Camp by MJLCoyoteStarrk. Long, but awesome. Go and read it! Not now of course, read this first.

* * *

><p>Uryu stood up on a nearby chair, and started to get the baby down on the fan, while Chad and Orhime started to clean up Chisaki's mess. But for now, Orhime was outside the room getting water for her bucket. Rukia was still trying to wake Ichigo up, and Yachiru was still in the cupboard.<p>

"Come here, baby," Uryu said, while reaching his arm out.

She started jumping up and down on the fan, making it wobble.

"Hey, come here!" Uryu shouted getting agitated, and leaned over more.

"Uryu," Chad said. "I don't think you should do that,"

"But then I won't be able to get her!" Uryu then managed to grab hold of her, and then the fan fell from the ceiling.

Uryu lost balance, fell on the floor and Chisaki flew out his hands. Chad caught her, and just looked at her. She just looked at him.

Then he started to rub his face against hers, while saying, "Snuggle... Snuggle..."

"Don't do that!" Uryu shouted while getting back up, covered with ceiling powder, and grabbed the baby back.

Chad then just continued on cleaning.

Orhime walked back in with the bucket, full of water, and Rukia called out to her, "Can I use that bucket?"

"Sure!" she argeed, and walked over.

Rukia grabbed the bucket, and tipped the water all over Ichigo.

"FLYING FISH AND BABIES!" Ichigo shouted, while randomly flying across the room, and his head went through the wall he had hit. Everybody sweat dropped.

"... What the hell were you dreaming about, Kurosaki?" Uryu asked.

"... Dunno," Ichigo said, while removing his head from the wall. "Why am I soaked in water? WHY IS THE FAN ON THE FLOOR?"

Then Yachiru appeared, with a cookie in her mouth, and a big bag of cookies in her arms, and shouted, "Ichi's up!"

"Yachiru, where did you get the bag of cookies from?" Ichigo asked.

"From the cupboard over there," Yachiru pointed.

Ichigo decided it wasn't worth the trouble, and let Yachiru eat the cookies.

"Why are you guys here anyway?" Ichigo asked Chad, Uryu and Orhime.

Uryu pushed up his glasses, and said, "We're bored."

Ichigo deadpanned.

* * *

><p>Review! Please!<p> 


	14. Suicide Part IV: By Jumping Off Heights

Ichigo was told to go upstairs as he was just unconscious before, and was told to "relax" while they cleaned up the mess. But they gave him the baby.

"How is looking after this monster in anyway relaxing?" Ichigo said while walking upstairs.

He then entered his room, and sighed when he saw the interior of it. Clothes were EVERYWHERE from Yumichika's onslaught to find the perfect outfit from Ichigo's clothes. It looked like because Byakuya came, Ikkaku had rushed upstairs to get the fourth seat downstairs, and so Yumichika rushed to get changed, even though he would look ugly, which was strange for him.

"Damn that Yumichika," Ichigo muttered, and started to clean up his room.

He then started walked outside to empty his bin, because it was overflowing from other times he had used it. When he passed the living room, there were noises of frantic scrubbing, and when he passed the kitchen, there were smashes, bangs, and multiple other sounds. Ichigo simply didn't want to know what was happening on there.

When he got outside, and emptied his bin, he looked at his window. There was Chisaki, sitting on the window sill, looking out. Then, she jumped off.

"NOOOOOO!" Ichigo shouted, and once again, epically dived, caught her, and slammed into the neighbour's rubbish bins, making them fall over, spilling their contents onto the pavement.

Ichigo got up, saw the mess he just made, and sighed. Chisaki just giggled, and Ichigo again glared at her. The substitute then put the baby down, and cleaned up the garbage. When he was finished, he went over to pick up Chisaki, she was gone.

"Oh, *BEEP*," Ichigo swore.

* * *

><p>Naughty Ichigo! This is a K rated fic, so no swearing! He so shouldn't have put her down anyway! There will be more of Ichigo's epic dives of course; as there have been three of them so far (the electric one doesn't count). Anyway... Review!<p> 


	15. Suicide Part V: By Getting Run Over

Ichigo madly dashed inside his house looking for her.

Yachiru skipped over to him, and said, "Why are running all over the place Ichi?"

"Have you seen the baby?" Ichigo asked her.

The pink haired shinigami looked confused. "What baby?"

"Chisaki," Ichigo explained. "The one that was on the fan before."

"Isn't fans those people that are obsessed with a something, and stalk people?" Yachiru asked.

"... Not the fan she was on before," Ichigo replied.

"Then what was it?" Yachiru asked.

"Never mind," Ichigo then ran off to the living room, leaving behind Yachiru, thinking of a baby on the head of a rabid fan girl, running around.

Ichigo ran into the living room, and shouted, "Has anybody seen Chisaki?"

Chad, Uryu and Orhime looked confused, and Rukia said, "Ichigo, I thought you had to take care of her."

"Hey, you let her run off before, while we were watching the movie," he complained.

"Um, who's Chisaki?" Orhime butted in.

"The baby who made the mess that you're cleaning up, and made the fan fall down," Rukia explained. "That was because I was watching the movie and was distracted!"

"So, you still let her crawl off," Ichigo pointed out.

Uryu pushed up his glasses, and said, "Shouldn't we be trying to search for the baby, instead of arguing?"

The two shinigami ignored the quincy and continued on fighting.

"I thought the rest of you would notice if she had crawled off!" Rukia shouted.

"Yeah, and it was only me who was looking after her at the time!" Ichigo's voice started to rise higher.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Uryu shouted.

Everybody was silent.

"... Scary..." Ichigo whispered to the others, and they nodded.

"Kurosaki, where was the baby last?" Uryu asked.

"Outside," Ichigo answered.

"What were you doing outside?" Chad asked.

"Well, I was putting the rubbish out, and then Chisaki decided to jump out of my window, so I ran over, and caught her," Ichigo explained. "I'd knocked over the neighbours bins, so then I cleaned it up, and put Chisaki down. When I went to pick her up, she was gone."

"Then, we'll go look outside," Uryu said, and walked off.

"... Who put him in charge?" Ichigo whispered to the others.

Despite this comment, they all followed Uryu outside. Yachiru was still in the kitchen/cupboard, and no one dared to look inside.

When the group went outside, Uryu got each person to go to a different direction, and they would come back to the house in half an hour.

"Isn't this your job, Rukia?" Ichigo asked her.

She didn't respond.

Then they all spilt up, and went looking for Chisaki. Guess who found her? Our favourite strawberry of course.

Ichigo was running down the pavement, wildly looking all over the place. Then something caught his eye, on the road. It was the baby, slowly crawling along on the road. Ichigo groaned. She could get run over any second now. A car then came hurtling towards Chisaki, unaware that a baby was on the road.

"No!" Ichigo cried out, and again, epically dived across the road, picked up Chisaki, and safely landed on the other side of the road.

Chisaki giggled, and clapped her hands.

"... You're going to be the death of me someday," Ichigo sighed, and walked back to his house.

* * *

><p>She probably will be, Ichi... Anyway, the pile of assignments and tests are slowly diminishing! And holidays are just a week away! Yay! Please review, and suggest! This hollow-cat is slowly running out of ideas, and wants to use another idea later on, but not now!<p> 


	16. You Have To Bath Them

Ichigo returned to his house, and saw that no one else had returned. He went inside, and went into the kitchen. Then he realised his error. There was cookie dough EVERYWHERE. The floor was partially flooded, there were empty packets all over the place, and a fire was brewing above the stove.

"Wha?" Ichigo asked, shocked at the mess. He then quickly ran into the living room, grabbed a bucket of water, and threw it all over the fire, extinguishing it.

"Huh?" Yachiru poked her head out of the fridge, and then asked, "What's this, Ichi?" She held out a bunch of chillies in her fist.

"... I'd thought you shinigami would know what that was..." Ichigo said.

Yachiru inspected the bright red fruits, and said, "They look really tasty."

"Don't eat them!" Ichigo shouted.

It was too late; Yachiru shoved the whole bunch in her mouth. She chewed them a bit, and swallowed them down.

"They tasted really, really good!" She shouted, immune to the chillies spiciness. "But it wasn't sweet. Hey, hey, Ichi, do you know where else to find anymore cookies?"

"... No," Ichigo said, shocked by the stunt Yachiru unknowingly pulled off.

"Kurosaki-kun, did you find her?"

Ichigo turned around, and saw Orihime in the doorway. "Yeah,"

"Hey, Jiggles!" Yachiru shouted. "Do you have any cookies?"

She shook her head, "Nope." Then she pointed to Chisaki, "Kurosaki-kun, can I hold her?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," He then handed over the baby to her.

"She's so cute!" Orihime cried. "But she's really dirty. Kurosaki-kun, don't you think you should give her a bath?"

"... Okay," he said, thinking of what fanatics Chisaki would probably get up to. He shuddered, but still took her and went over to the bathroom to bath her anyway.

Orihime walked off to continue cleaning up the living room. But first, she stopped to scowl at Yachiru, and tell her off.

* * *

><p>The substitute put the menace in the bath tub, and turned on the taps to slowly fill the bath tub. He didn't fill it too much, but up to Chisaki's chest. He grabbed a bottle of bathing soap, shrugged, and poured some of the contents into the bathtub. Ichigo didn't know if babies had a special type of soap that you had to use for them, and frankly, he didn't care. After all he's been through with this monster, he didn't quite like the idea of fathering a baby. Ichigo's eyebrows twitched at the thought of that. The shinigami's thoughts were broken, as Chisaki splashed water all over Ichigo. She giggled. He definitely wasn't going to take care of anymore babies after this one.<p>

* * *

><p>But you'll have to put up with this one even more, strawberry! For the chilli bit, wiki says that chillies are a fruit, and are berries, but sometimes, you can't trust wiki. I hate Orhime's Kurosaki-kun. I've never known a person who doesn't hate it. Actually, I'll just say it, Orhime is annoying, and I hate her. Her only upside is her healing abilities, which has saved many people's lives, I admit, and *spoilers* making Ichigo become fully hollowfied (Alexander for those who read Poles) to kick Ulqui's ass. Anyway... Review please!<p> 


	17. Suicide Part VI: By Drowning Themselves

Ichigo was now scrubbing the baby with a sponge. Chisaki then splashed him with water for the umpteenth time, and the substitute's eyebrows twitched. He was literary soaked because she had splashed him so many times. Then he heard a shout, a crash, and a bang.

That didn't sound too good, Ichigo thought. He ran downstairs to see what all the commotion was about, and left Chisaki all alone. Bad idea.

* * *

><p>Surprisingly the kitchen was all tidied up, because the rest of the group had returned. But the oven had all this green stuff inside it. Ichigo had no clue what it was, until Orihime dashed into the room, and took out a bowl with the green stuff with dried noodles in it.<p>

"All done!" She shouted.

"... What is that, Inoue?" Ichigo asked.

"Oh, Kurosaki-kun," she said. "I decided to cook something for Yachiru-chan to eat, so she doesn't have to go through your cupboards! Do you want some?"

Ichigo sweat dropped as he saw the green stuff move, and change colour to blue. "... I'm fine, thanks..."

He then dashed upstairs.

"... Maybe he's got a stomach ache?" Orihime wondered out loud.

She shrugged, and went into the living room.

* * *

><p>Ichigo sighed as he entered the bathroom. Why couldn't she make something normal? And how the hell could Rangiku eat that stuff?<p>

He then walked over to the bath. Chisaki was laying back down in the bath, water covering her. A few bubbles came out of her nose, and Ichigo cursed loudly. He grabbed the baby out of the bath, and opened her mouth in order to let water out of her. Her big eyes opened, and she giggled at him. What was with her laughing at everything?

The strawberry got her got of the bath, in order for her to not commit suicide again. How many times has this monster almost died, anyway?

* * *

><p>Six! And there's more to come! The torture doesn't stop for Ichigo, does it? I've got no idea how many more chapters are going to come... Anyway... Review! Today's the last of assessments for this term! And next term is always laid back, so expect more chapters. Maybe the chapters will increase per day? Dunno, but don't bet on it. With my horrid drawing skills, I'm gonna draw something soon for my ongoing fanfics, but having trouble with what to draw. Suggest please (for both drawing and chapters)!<p> 


	18. Suicide Part VII: By Boiling Themselves

A Felixfeles idea from before, but has only been put into action now. Kudos to her!

* * *

><p>Ichigo came back downstairs with Chisaki, and found Uryuu cooking in the kitchen with an apron on.<p>

"Why are you cooking, Ishida?" The shinigami asked him.

The Quincy pushed up his glasses and said, "I refuse to eat Inoue-san's cooking, so I'm cooking something myself."

"Okay, what is the housewife cooking then?" Ichigo teased.

"...Ramen," he replied. "And I'm not a girl."

"You sure?" Ichigo asked. "When was the last time you checked?"

"I'm very sure I'm a guy!" Uryuu snapped.

Ichigo then looked at Chisaki in his arms, and got an idea. "Hey, Ishida, can you do a favor of me?"

"No,"

"Why not?"

"Because it's you, you're a shinigami, and shinigami are my enemy,"

Ichigo scratched the back of his head. "You're still hung up on that?"

No answer.

"Come on, Ishida, please," Ichigo pleaded.

Uryu turned around, and said, "Depends what it is."

Ichigo then shoved the demon in his hands, and said, "Look after that thing, okay? Bye!" Then he sprinted off.

The quincy really felt like pulling out his bow, and chasing after the strawberry.

Uryu looked at the baby, and Chisaki looked at him. She then giggled at him. Uryuu sighed. No wonder Kurosaki was reluctant to give the baby to him. Uryuu just put her on the bench, and continued cooking.

He then turned his back to her, to get some vegetables for his ramen, and Chisaki crawled over to the stove, where some water was boiling. She was about to put her hand on the handle, when the quincy turned around and saw her. He dropped the vegetables, dashed over, and picked her up.

"No, you can't do that," he scowled at her. "You would die if that water got on you."

She then grabbed his glasses, and he protested, "Give me back my glasses!"

The monster then threw them on the ground, smashing them. His eyebrows twitched as Ichigo's would have. Uryu then sighed and grabbed out another pair.

She then started to cry.

* * *

><p>I'm give Ichi a break from the terror, and now it's Uryuu's turn. According to Felixfeles, most babies die of getting hot water put on them, because of what's shown in the fic. For some of those who can't remember, Uryuu was said to be a "good housewife" by Ichigo before, but I'm not sure if that's just in the anime, or in the subbed or dubbed version. Or it's just my imagination. Meh. When I typed down, "When was the last time you checked?", I got a really bad image of a girl Uryu, with Bleach style massive boobs in my head... *Shudder*... Anyway, Review!<p> 


	19. They Set Fire to Everything

"She's a nightmare," Uryu grumbled to himself, after he had calmed her down.

Not learning his lesson, he put her back on the bench again, and started cooking again.

Then Yachiru shot past on her scooter*, with Ichigo running after her, shouting, "Hey, come back here! Hey!"

Rukia walked into the kitchen, staring after the two idiots.

"Oh, hello, Kuchiki-san," Uryu said. "What are those two doing?"

Rukia sighed. "We were playing this game called Monopoly, and Kusajishi-san came in and ran off with all the money."

"Why didn't you tell me before that you were playing it?" Uryuu asked.

"Because Ichigo said that you were cooking, and we thought that you wouldn't want to play anyway," Rukia said.

"... Good point," Uryu agreed.

The two shinigami were still running/scootering around the place, while Ichigo was shouting at Yachiru.

Then Rukia's eyes widened, and Uryu asked, "What?"

She pointed to the stove, where a fire was starting. Chisaki was next to the fire, clapping her hands gleefully.

"FIRE!" Uryu shouted.

The two shinigami stopped their chasing, and looked over at the fire.

"Oh, ****!" Ichigo swore.

Panic broke out, and eventually the flames were extinguished.

Uryuu stared at the burnt remains of the stove.

"... She really is a nightmare," he said.

He then gave up on trying cooking ramen, because what remained of it were charred bits, and went off to play Monopoly, despite it being a "child's game".

* * *

><p>* In one of the "Illustrated Guide to Shinigami's, Yachiru is seen to be riding around on her scooter in the Kuchiki Estate. Poor Byakuya.<p>

... I have no idea if Monopoly exists in Japan. There's a very high chance that it does though. Prepare for a change next chapter. And no, this story's not ending! Not yet.


	20. They Get Kidnapped

Wow. 20 chapters. I'm already beating Poles by more than two times it's chapters, but it would have more words then this... Meh. It's the holidays! *throws confetti*

"Fool!"

No, no, Chisaki, you're meant to be saying that to Ichigo, not me. I ditched my daily upload yesterday... I'm sorry... Anyway, as said before, this story will change, and I think some of you guys are getting tired of the humans/shinigami routine. Tell me if it was a good idea, or not please!

* * *

><p>Chad, Orihime, Ichigo, Rukia, Yachiru and Uryu were sitting down, playing Monopoly, while supervising Chisaki.<p>

"Damn it," Ichigo cursed as he got put into jail again.

"You really suck at this game, Kurosaki," Uryu said, while having a hefty load of paper money in front of him.

"Ichi, give us the squares so I can go!" Yachiru the banker said. (She obtained that after last chapter's events.)

"Fool!" Chisaki shouted at Ichigo.

"Shut up, you," Ichigo muttered, while handing over the dice.

"Pervert!" She then shouted.

"I'm not a pervert!" Ichigo shouted.

Uryuu pushed up his glasses and said, "She's right, you know."

"Why you..." Ichigo snarled.

"One, two, three, four," Yachiru counted, as she moved her piece down the track. "You're next, Pencil!"

"I refuse to be called by that name," Uryu said.

"Just go, Ishida-kun," Orihime said.

"Fine," he said, and picked up the dice.

Despite there being six people looking after Chisaki, she had crawled off... Again.

However, this was really good for Ulquiorra, who had come to the Kurosaki house, just to kidnap Chisaki for Aizen. He was wearing a device that blocked out his reaitsu, strikingly similar to Urahara's coat, which Szayel had made for these purposes. Ulquiorra snatched up Chisaki, who had fainted the sight of him, and in true kidnapper fashion, he had left a note, saying;

"Listen up, you trash. I've taken that trash baby of yours to Las Noches, to Lord Aizen. You trash can try to take her back, but you won't be able to, because you're trash.

Ulquiorra

P.S. Orihime, you're trash."

Then he opened a Garganta, and vanished from the human world.

* * *

><p>When Chisaki opened her eyes next, it was in the hall of Las Noches, and Aizen was perched on his throne in front of her.<p>

"You're awake, little Chisaki, aren't you?" Aizen asked.

Chisaki just looked at him, then pointed at him, and shouted, "Pervert!"

Aizen just smiled at her, but everybody knew that he was actually pissed. The evil dude, who was going to conquer everything, just got called a pervert, by a baby. That wouldn't have gone down well with someone else, but this was Aizen, and he had a facade to maintain.

He looked at the other Espada gathered around the sides of the hall, and said, "All of you Espada are going to look after this baby, in turns. The time limit which one has to look after her has yet to be decided, so Ulquiorra will look after her for the time being. And no one will kill the baby."

There were many groans that came from the Espadas, but were silenced by Aizen's glare.

"I've gotta' question, Captain Aizen," Gin started. "Why kidnap tha' poor baby?"

Aizen smiled. "Why Gin, it's because she has reaitsu. It's small, but I recon it was enough to see Ulquiorra here. Right, Ulquiorra?"

The emo nodded. "Yes, she could see me, Lord Aizen,"

"So yore's gonna ta' raise her ta' get her reaitsu when she's older, Captain?" Gin asked.

"Yes, that is true, Gin," Aizen said.

The meeting then continued on, about how they were going to take over all the worlds, crush the Gotei 13, etc.

Then the meeting was over, and Ulquiorra took Chisaki with him to his room. He then locked his door, put Chisaki on the floor, sat on his bed, and started to write emo poetry.

* * *

><p>As everybody knows who reads this, it was a bad idea. I'm not making fun of emos, or people who write poetry, I'm just making fun of Ulquiorra in this story. I know it stopped at a cliff hanger, but it's getting ready for the next chapter. So, was it a good idea, or not? I recon it gives people a change of pace, and I'm not doing the same things over, and over, and over again. Meh, review!<p> 


	21. Suicide Part VIII: By Hanging Themselves

Thanks for Bunny153539 for the nicknames again. I know Chisaki is just a baby, but she'll learn a lot of words that haven't been mentioned before. I realise that normal babies wouldn't be able to learn words as quickly as she will, but then again, Chisaki's not your average baby.

* * *

><p>While Ulquiorra was heavily engrossed in writing his emo poetry, he forgot about Chisaki. The baby had gone though some of the cuatro esapada's stuff, and found a rope.<p>

Chisaki got on top of Ulquiorra's wardrobe, tied it around the top of it, and then tied it around her neck. She was about to jump off, until the emo looked up. Ulquiorra then quickly sonidoed over, cut the rope with his zanpukto, and picked her up.

"Don't be so eager to die, trash," he said. "You can serve Aizen-sama in the future. Why trash, I was about to let another piece of trash kill me, then Aizen-sama showed up and…"

Chisaki started to fidget, and try to get out of Ulquiorra's grasp. The baby didn't want to hear any more of his emo ranting, and wanted to try to kill herself again.

Then Ulquiorra clutched her to his chest, and shouted, "AIZEN-SAMA!" in a fan girly voice, like Momo.

Chisaki was now being suffocated, and didn't know if that was a good for a bad thing.

She was then saved by the door opening, and Tousen walking in.

"The times for looking after the baby have been decided," he told Ulquiorra.

Chisaki looked up at Ulquiorra, and said, "Emo?"

"All Espada including myself, Gin and Aizen-sama will look after the baby for one hour," the ex-captain continued on. "It will start will Yammy, then she will be looked after by the other Espada by rank from the top up. Then she will be looked after by Captain Aizen, Gin, then myself."

He then walked over to Ulquiorra, took Chisaki from him, walked out of the room, and to the next person who would look after this monster next. Yammy and his hollow-dog.

* * *

><p>I've noticed that a lot of you are complaining that the chapters are short. It's because I update nearly every single day, and the chapters are the list to why not to have a baby. All the suicide chapters are pretty much saying that they almost die too many times. But Chisaki is the worst baby ever, I guess. I've added so much stuff to the dictionary on Word, and whenever I right click on something to add it, the spelling thing majority of the time comes up with no spelling suggestions, or something not even close to the actual word... Anyway… Review!<p> 


	22. You Have To Rescue Them

Okay, so this is when Ulqui left the human world with Chisaki. There's a bit of a time gap between this chapter and the last one, but I recon you guys want to know what happened in the human world afterwards. Sadly, Chisaki won't be in this chapter, because she's right now being taken to Yammy, and his experience with her will be next chapter. And this chapter will be longer than usual. Kohana means "a little flower" in Japanese, apparently, Maeda means "in front of rice field". Please tell me if I'm wrong!

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><p>Ichigo scrunched up Ulquiorra's letter angrily in his fist. Damn that Ulquiorra!<p>

"What does it say, Kurosaki?" Uryu asked.

"They've taken Chisaki!" Ichigo shouted.

"Who?" Chad asked.

"AIZZZZZEEEEEEN!" Ichigo yelled, burying his face in his hands.

"Let me have a look at that," Uryuu said, while snatching the letter from the strawberry. "Listen up, you trash. I've taken that trash baby of yours to Las Noches, to Lord Aizen. You trash can try to take her back, but you won't be able to, because you're trash.

Ulquiorra

P.S. Orihime, you're trash."

Orihime started to look very annoyed. "Well he didn't have to be so mean," she grumbled.

Then Yuzu, Karin and Isshin came in with lots of shopping bags.

"It was good that I found you two when I was shopping!" Yuzu shouted.

"Nah, it was goat-chin here who knew you went shopping, and insisted that we go and help you," Karin said.

"I thought you would have gotten mugged or raped, for worse!" Isshin cried.

"That type of stuff doesn't happen here, Dad," Karin groaned.

Then Yuzu saw Ichigo with his head buried in his hands and said, "What's wrong, Onii-chan? And where's Chisaki?"

"Who's Chisaki?" Karin asked.

"The baby that I got Onii-chan to look after," Yuzu said.

"Well…" Ichigo started.

"She's been taken to a friend's place, but we won't be able to get her for a while," Rukia explained. "Right, Ichigo?"

"Ah, yeah, that's it," Ichigo replied.

"How long will she be there for?" Yuzu asked.

"… Um, we don't know…" Ichigo said.

Then the doorbell rang.

"Ah, that must be her parents!" Yuzu cried, and ran to the door.

… Oh, ****. Ichigo's group thought.

Then a woman walked into the room. She had long black hair, sparkling green eyes, and she was grinning. She wore a knee length long sleeved black dress with ruffles and stockings. The woman also had almost Hichigo style skin.

"Onii-chan, this is Chisaki's mother," Yuzu said. "Her name is Maeda Kohana." (Maeda is her last name, Kohana is her first name. I'm just writing in Japanese style, if you haven't noticed.)

"She's her mother?" Ichigo shouted.

Kohana stared at the strawberry for a while.

"… What is it?" Ichigo asked.

"Did you dye your hair?" Kohana asked.

Ichigo's eyebrow started twitching. "No, this is my natural hair colour," he growled.

"How does it stick up like that?" she asked.

"I don't know," he answered angrily.

"Oh, yes, what is your name, spiky head?" Chisaki's mother asked.

Ichigo glared at her. "Spiky… head?"

"Oh, I got it right," she said. "Nice to meet you, spiky head."

"That's not my name!" the substitute shouted.

"Then what is it?"

"Kurosaki Ichigo."

Kohana started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ichigo growled.

"Nice to meet you, strawberry!" she giggled.

The said strawberry looked like he was about to explode.

"Oh, I heard the whole story from Yuzu-chan," Kohana said. "I don't really care, just bring her back."

She then walked off. "See you later, strawberry!" she said, and left the room.

Silence…

"DAMN HER!" Ichigo burst out.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, Ichigo, Chad, Rukia, Orihime, Yachiru and Uryuu went to Urahara's place, and asked if he could make the Garganta in order to get them to Hueco Mundo to save Chisaki.<p>

"In order to make the Garganta it'll take me…" he paused for dramatic effect. "3 weeks!"

The whole group groaned.

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><p>How did you guys like Kohana? She is very crazy, but she's actually like Chisaki a lot. We won't be able to see Ichigo's group for a while, because Chisaki's going to be in Las Noches for a "while". I think Ichigo was a bit OOCish during this chapter… Oh well. I put in Ulquiorra's letter again, so you readers can remember what it said. Review please!<p> 


	23. They Piss Off Espada Part I: Yammy

Thanks to Natsuzora for suggesting what'll happen with Chisaki and Yammy. There's going to be lots of swearing, but they'll all have an asterisk in them replacing a letter in the word. Right, I know I said before, that I'll make this story that'll make sense to those who read/watch any version, but it seems I can't do that anymore. Japanese manga and anime only!

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><p>Yammy stared at the baby for a while, and she stared back at him.<p>

Then she started giggling, pointed at him, and then shouted, "Fatty!" (Sorry Bunny153539, I had to change it.)

"WHO YOU'RE CALLING FATTY!" He bellowed.

She just smiled at him.

"Tch, b*tch," Yammy said and then, turned around, and started eating from the mound of food in front of him.

Before, Tousen had come in, explained some stuff that Yammy didn't bother to listen to and dumped this thing here.

The hollow-dog then popped out of the shadows, and started yelping at the cero Espada.

"Shut up!" Yammy roared at the dog, and threw a bone at it.

The hollow-dog chased after the bone, and then started gnawing on it. Chisaki then crawled over to the dog. It yelped at the baby, and started waging its tail.

Chisaki then got an idea. She then climbed onto the back of the dog, and the dog started running all over the place, frantically trying to get her off its back. It bumped into some of Yammy's stuff, and often knocked it over. Then the dog bumped into Yammy.

"What you're doing you little sh*t," he grumbled and looked down at Chisaki and the hollow-dog.

The baby giggled at him. "Fatty!"

"STOP CALLING ME FATTY!" he shouted.

"Fat…ty…" she said, got off the dog, and crawled off into the shadows so the diez Espada couldn't see her.

"Fat…ty… Fat…ty… Fat…ty…" She taunted in an eerie voice.

"RIGHT THAT'S IT!" Yammy then grabbed out his zanpukto and said, "Be enraged, Ira!"

This caused all of his room, and the buildings surrounding it being destroyed by his massive size.

Arrancar started running away from him, shouting, "DAMN YOU YAMMY!"

Chisaki was sitting amongst the ruins, and was giggling at him.

"GO TO HELL YOU B*TCH!" He roared, and started to charge up a cero.

Luckily for the baby, Starrk had appeared in time to stop Yammy.

"Your time's up, Yammy," he said. "Plus I recon you don't want to anger Aizen-sama by killing her, do you?"

Yammy grounded his teeth in anger, and returned to his more human form. "Fine then. Take that piece of sh*t with you!"

The Primera Espada then grabbed Chisaki, and then sonidoed off.

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><p>Yammy's so mean! Now Starrk has to deal with Chisaki… Review please!<p> 


	24. They Piss Off Espada Part II: Starrk

Starrk sonidoed to his room, put Chisaki on the floor, laid down on his favourite bean bag, and tried to sleep.

"Fluffy?" Chisaki asked.

Starrk sat up. "Did you just call me "Fluffy"?"

"Fluffy!" Chisaki shouted, and crawled over to him.

"Hey, Starrk, have you seen my-" Lilynette suddenly cut off. "Is that a baby?"

"Yeah, weren't you listening to the meeting?" he asked.

"No, I wasn't because they always talk about taking over everything etc." she replied.

Starrk sighed. "All of us Espada, including Aizen, Gin and Tousen have to take care of this baby for a while."

"Oh, okay. Then why do we have to look after her?"

"I don't know," Starrk then lay back down.

"Hey, don't just leave me to take care of her, you jerk!"

"Undies!" Chisaki shouted at Lilynette.

"Did she just call me "Undies"?" Lilynette asked.

"Yeah, and she's called me "Fluffy","

"How does she know your Resurreccion form?"

"Don't know, and stop asking me questions."

"Jerk," Lilynette walked off, forgetting what she needed to ask Starrk before.

Starrk started to go to sleep, and Chisaki was just sitting there. She felt she wasn't getting enough attention, so she started to wail. Starrk at first ignored her. Then she got louder, and louder, and louder, and even louder…

Lilynette ran back in, and shouted at Starrk, "GET HER TO SHUT UP!"

"I DON'T KNOW HOW!" He shouted back.

Chisaki was now at the ear-splitting stage. Then Starrk got an idea.

"LILYNETTE LETS GO INTO RESURRECCION!" Starrk shouted.

"WHY?"

"JUST DO IT!" He shouted back, feeling like a Nike sponsor. (I don't own Nike.)

Lilynette rushed over to him, and he put his hand on her head, and said, "KICK ABOUT, LOS LOBOS!"

He went into his Resurreccion form, and picked up Chisaki.

She stopped crying and started to stroke his fur, while saying, "Fluffy… Fluffy…"

Starrk sighed.

Then Tousen came in, and said, "Your time is up."

He grabbed Chisaki, and walked out of the room, ignoring the fact that the Espada was in Resurreccion form.

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><p>Poor Starrk. His ears almost bled from Chisaki's wailing. Review please!<p> 


	25. They Piss Off Espada Part III: Baraggan

Just a heads up, Baraggan and a few others may be OOCish, but I hope that still deliver you with laughs.

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><p>Baraggan sighed on his throne. He was the God-King of Hueco Mondo, the segunda Espada, and currently; a babysitter. He didn't even know much about the things, but he heard what Yammy did while he was looking after her. But it was like Yammy to lose his temper.<p>

Chisaki crawled over to him, and said, "Oldie!" (Sorry Bunny153539, I changed the nickname again X/)

"I may be old, but at least I'm not a little ant like you, who does not compare to me, a god," Baraggan said.

"Oldie!" Chisaki shouted again.

Baraggan sighed again. "Findor, take care of her," he ordered.

"Yes, Baraggan-sama*," The fraccion said, and picked up the baby.

*Few minutes later*

* * *

><p>"Oldie!"<p>

Baraggan looked down to see Chisaki, who had escaped Findor. The Espada got up and went into his fraccion's room. The room was covered in vomit, a wall had burnt marks on it, blonde hair was all about the room, tables, chairs and other things had been turned over, and trash (not Ulquiorra's meaning of trash) had been flung about the entire place. Findor was lying amongst the rubble, bald, and covered in vomit.

"S-she's a nightmare…" he said.

"She's a nightmare?" the old man frowned.

"EXACTA!" Findor shouted before becoming unconscious.

"EXACTA!"

Baraggan turned around to see the nightmare herself sitting behind him.

"Abirama!" He called.

Surprisingly, the 22nd Arrancar appeared in front of him. "Yes, Baraggan-sama?"

"Take care of that baby," he told him and walked off.

Abirama picked her up, and shouted, "Yeah! Let's go, baby!"

Chisaki started crying.

*A few more minutes later*

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><p>Chisaki had once again escaped from one of Baraggan's fraccion. Baraggan sighed. She'd made all of her caretakers, which were his fraccion, become unconscious. Now Baraggan had to take care of the baby himself.<p>

"Oldie!" Chisaki shouted. "Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie, Oldie!"

"Shut up!" Baraggan roared.

Chisaki then started wailing. The segunda Espada then picked her up, and tried to calm her down. She then grabbed a handful of his hair, and stuck it in her mouth. He shrugged. At least she stopped.

Then the baby vomited on him.

"Do you dare defy the God of Hueco Mundo!" Baraggan shouted.

Chisaki giggled at him.

He finally snapped. The Espada grabbed his axe/zanpukto and said, "Rot, Arrogante!"

Tousen had come just in time to stop the baby's death.

* * *

><p>*I had no idea what Findor or the other fraccion would call Baraggan, but I chose the most plausible option.<p>

If some of you guys have forgotten some of Baraggan's fraccion, wiki them. I had to look them up before, because I had no idea with some of them. I've actually been using wiki a lot for the Espada, because I just can't remember everything…


	26. CrisisHiatus

Kurohollow (Kuro-Hollow-Mage-Hero-Neko) - *bows* I'm sorry everybody! I kept you guys waiting, and now you're going to have to wait some more…

Chisaki - Fool!

Kurohollow – Yes, I am… I've been having massive troubles with Harribel's turn. I guess you could say it's a writer's block. It's mainly 'cause of Harribel's character, and I've been trying to make it funny, but nothing will come out of my head. And I'm back at school again. So, please send me any suggestion that you guys can think of for this next chapter. If I'm really stuck, I may even do a chapter away from the Espadas to give me more time, or just ditch the Harribel chapter or do it, just not funny.

Ichigo – Question! When will our group be coming back?

Kurohollow - *stares at Ichigo* Where the hell did you come from?

Ichigo – Never mind, just answer the question.

Kurohollow – You guys will be coming back after Aizen's turn. Don't worry guys; I've got the whole story in my head, so I have some idea of when this will end. Felixfelies has kindly put in another suggestion for a chapter, but it's for just Ichigo.

Ichigo – What do you mean for "just Ichigo"?

Kurohollow – No spoilers.

Ichigo – I'm getting scared now.

Chisaki – Fool!

Kurohollow – Is it just me, or does Chisaki sound like Mr T, for saying "Fool!" so many times?

Uryu – I recon you should stop writing this, and get onto the actual story.

Kurohollow – Now, why are you here?

*Harribel sneaks up behind Kurohollow, grabs her and straps her into a chair in front of a computer*

Harribel – Now write. I want you to get this over and done with.

*Ichigo and Uryuu sweat drop*

Gin – Bye bye! *waves*


End file.
